Hay! Sorry we haven’t been in touch as often lately. I’ve been busy doing extremely important things such as staying up until 3 am every night watching Breaking Bad, etc. Also, tis the season to work my butt off providing libations for various holiday gatherings. Sometimes I have to put aside things that I actually enjoy (writing, exercising, having a social life, sex, etc.) to just roll up my sleeves and slang ‘em for a minute. All these decadent wine and cheese nights ain’t gonna pay for themselves!
Something I’ve put off lately is getting myself prepped for the winter and that ends right here/now! Unless you live in the tropics, everything about winter threatens to rape and pillage our carefully cultivated beauty. Frigid temps drive us to encase ourselves in layers of clothing and essentially forget about what’s underneath. It’s just like that famous Maya Angelou quote about how thou shalt get a boyfriend in the summer to hang out with during the winter or whatever- because nobody cares enough when it’s all cold and gross outside. Everybody stops shaving and starts eating. Which I encourage wholeheartedly at any other time. However, letting ourselves go entirely is just mean – to us, to the significant others lured in with our well-groomed, sexy summer selves or, should we have not been fortunate enough to rope someone in already, to the folks we break down and bring home one lonely winter night after having not shaved our bikini line/legs for at least a month. I mean, I’ve heard of people doing that. I’ve never done that.
I thought I’d share with you a few of my own winterization tipz that help keep me feeling at least somewhat cute while also taking full advantage of this awesome burka weather. Let’s work our way from the bottom up, shall we?
Slap some snow chains on them tires
A lot of ladies understandably let their pedicures fall to the wayside once sandal season is over but the idea that we only groom the parts of ourselves that other people can see doesn’t sit well with me. I try to keep my toenail game at least marginally on point. My size 9 feet are not exactly my best feature, seeing as how my profession involves standing on them for endless periods of time but there is just something about a shiny coat of polish that just makes me feel kind of together. For at-home DIY Winter pedicures, Wet’n'Wild black polish is absolutely The Best.
We’re talking hall of fame material. It costs 99 cents and is the shiniest, longest lasting black nail polish I’ve ever tried; far better than Nars, Chanel or any other fancypants brand. It wears FOREVER without dulling or chipping and, in a pinch, you can just trim your toenails without taking off the polish and then slap on another coat. I’ve been rocking the black Wet’n'Wild every winter since the turn of the century. It always looks cool.
Even in California, winter months can be effing cold, which is a great excuse to basically live in leggings. I’ve always had the worst time finding any pants, including leggings and sweatpants, that fit me properly, because apparently clothing manufacturers are not aware that long-waisted girls with big butts like, exist. Waistbands always hit a weird spot, creating a horribly unfair muffin top which is why pants are basically my most feared foe, after Melissa Etheridge. WELL. American Apparel has finally solved that problem (the leggings, not the lez). BEHOLD:
Sorry ’bout the weird pic but I needed you guys to see these babies! They’re SO comfy! Plus, they add some extra warmth by covering the entire lower half of my torso. If you have similar issues as I, just want something to smooth out some of your holiday gut, or god forbid, are pregnant, go get these NOW in every color. American Apparel isn’t paying me to tell you about these so I’m not linking them but you’ll find em.
In case you can’t find your lucky ski mask…
Ok, so now, in addition to protecting your face from the sun (Because we’re all doing that now, right? There’s nobody reading this dumb enough to still not be wearing sunscreen every day, right? Good), we also have to contend with dry, cold-ass air. UGH. When you’re my age, dry skin = old skin and old skin = having to face the fact that my best years are behind me and having to face the fact that my best years are behind me = acknowledging that I may die alone and acknowl-you know what? Let’s just move on. A good anti-aging moisturizer is imperative. After a few months of religious use, I can fully attest to the efficacy of Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Night Moisturizer:
While nothing will ever erase the damage inflicted by 15 years of cigs and 3 years baking in the South Florida sun, this moisturizer seems to be slowing down the process a bit, especially on the delicate skin around my eyes. Go buy it now, before it’s too late because nobody will ever love you if your face looks like an anus.
Finally, after a heartwarming Movember, during which the men in our lives so bravely Instagrammed pictures of their mustaches that they so bravely acquired by so bravely doing nothing, to raise almost nonexistent amounts of money for I’m not sure what, I think us ladies owe it to the world to contribute our own facial hair related inaction towards an ambiguous but hopefully? good cause.
What I’m trying to say is: Grow out your eyebrows! People be gettin’ all crazy and shit with those tweezers. Stop now! I’ve seen horribly overplucked eyebrows in various bizarre shapes and crooked lines on the faces of countless otherwise lovely people. Ladies, only one kind of sperm should be on your face and hint hint, it’s not your mutilated eyebrows. Let those puppies fill in before it’s too late and they never grow back (this will actually happen). Your natural brow shape will ALWAYS look best on your face, so stop fighting it! Once they grow back, you can shape them gently into something flattering. GUYS, THIS GOES FOR YOU, TOO: Drop the tweezers and step away from the mirror. If your unibrow is out of control, take care of it but otherwise, LEAVE YOUR EYEBROWS ALONE. It makes you look like a fruit and groomed brows on a man is, in my opinion, the ultimate boner killer.
I get that tweezing can be a point-of-no-return, slippery slope where one moment, you’re just doing some routine maintenance and the next, you look like some crazy chola. I’m certainly guilty of overdoing it on countless occasions so, in the winter, I grow them in and start from scratch:
Come Spring, these caterpillars will get shaped into beautiful butterflies.
Naturally, I’ll do some light housekeeping so as not to scare anyone but I let the natural full shape fill in. To hide some of the scary regrowth, I use my YSL Touche Eclat highlighter underneath the brow; concealer should do the trick, as well.
Now, what shall we call this noble movement? Decembrows? Eyebrowuary? Febputdemtweezersdown? I dunno. You decide. Just grow em, ok?
One last winter-related tip. After your disposable razors have been rendered useless by a week or so in the shower with your hairy ass, clean and dry them for a second life as a sweater pill/fuzzy remover. Like so:
Just rake it gently over the pills and follow up with a lint brush- good as new!
This winter, I really just want to stay home and read/write my brainz out but the melancholy and loneliness of the season may force me out of my cave. Who knows? Either way, I’ll be feeling at least marginally cute and comfortable. So there’s that.