As an avid wine drinker and bartender of many years, I know slightly more than the Average Jill about that grape drank we all love so much. You don’t need to have every scrap of information relating to a bottle of wine in order to enjoy it but a few basics definitely enhance the experience. So, I’m gonna break it all down for you, brass tacks style. Feel free to use the following to get laid and impress people at parties. In fact, please do.

Wine can be divided into 4 basic types: Red, White, Pink and Bubbles. Each ranges from dry to sweet and light to heavy. No matter what your palate is like, there’s probably something for you in each of these categories. The only way to find out is to taste as much as you can. But first, let’s start talkin’ the talk.

Listening to connoisseurs discuss wine can be confounding and annoying.

“It tastes like…wind” – are you effing kidding me? 

But guys, it’s totally true that wine is a multi-sensory experience. Keep drinking it and it’ll sweep you up eventually. A sip of Burgundy could contain some nuance that transports you to your grandmother’s kitchen or a whiff of tawny Port might remind you of what your first kiss tasted like and suddenly, you’ll understand why people wax poetic about it. A lot of that whimsical-sounding terminology does actually describe concrete characteristics to help you determine which is right for you.

Red

Of the four, red wine is actually the least familiar to the American palate. It’s served just slightly cooler than room temperature and tastes like nothing else in our typical repertoire of beverages. These facts have probably contributed to the urban legend that red wine is somehow classier or of higher quality than white- not true!

A few important key words and corresponding red varietals:

Jammy – Literally tastes like jam with lots of berry flavors. (Syrah, Merlot)

Tannic/Structured – Tannins are a chemical found in the skin of the grape that suck the moisture out of your mouth, producing an effect similar to that of black tea. (Cabernet, Nebbiolo )

Acidic - Bright tasting, makes your mouth pucker and water. (Chianti, Barbera)

Masculine/Feminine – Self-explanatory if you can stomach a little oenophilic sexism. Masculine wines are often woodsy and aggressive while feminine ones are soft and floral. (Bordeaux/Burgundy)

Smooth - A vague descriptor invented to confuse bartenders and servers who are trying desperately to figure out what their guest wants.

White

As I mentioned, white wine gets a bad rap from some misguided snobs. Whites are just as varied and complex are red. They’re served chilled or over ice if you’re a sassy visor-wearing Florida retiree. The vocab:

Dry – This word gets thrown around a lot when talking about wine and it’s a toughie because it means different things to different people. It basically refers to anything that doesn’t register as super sweet on your palate. (Sauvignon Blanc, Albarino)

Sweet- A bit less subjective, as many sweet wines do contain more sugar. (Riesling, Muscat)

Tropical – Notes of bananas, pineapples, mangos, etc. (California Sauvignon Blanc, Gruner Veltliner)

Stone Fruit – Notes of peaches, apricots, pears, etc. (Pinot Grigio, Viognier)

Oaky/Unoaked – This refers to the wine being aged in an oak barrel and the resulting flavor that the wood imparts. American oak makes wine taste full and like butter or butterscotch while French oak makes it kind of spicy. Wines aged in steel casks are lighter and more fruity. (Chardonnay)

Pink

Rosé is basically a white wine with a bit of color from the grapes’ red skins being briefly incorporated into the winemaking process, as opposed to fully removing them such as with whites. Many of the same descriptors apply. In Europe, it’s traditionally drank in the summer but tastes great year round. Don’t let the color fool you – rosé is often dry as a bone.

Bubbles

French Champagne, Italian Prosecco and Spanish Cava are all sparkling wines given different names based on where they’re made. If you love the bubbly, no need to save it for special occasions. You can find extremely inexpensive bottles of decent Prosecco at Trader Joe’s.

Brut- dry

Dry - sweeter than Brut. Weird, right?

Extra dry - The sweetest. I swear, they do this on purpose to confuse everybody.

How are you supposed to figure out what you like?

Most of us don’t have the means or time to attend fancypants wine tastings and blow money on expensive bottles that we may end up hating. Luckily, it’s actually pretty easy to get our hands on some free hooch. Servers and bartenders are usually happy to bring you a taste of any wine they sell by the glass. It’s not unusual for a customer to try 2-3 different ones before selecting their favorite. Make a note of anything you really love or ask the server to write it down. Also, take advantage of free wine tastings held regularly at local specialty stores or high-enders like Whole Foods. Whenever you’re in either of the aforementioned situations, ask tons of questions! True wine freaks LOVE to talk about it. Give the slightest indication that you’re interested and they’ll talk your ear off about it and load you up with more recommendations than you’ll even know what to do with. Servers, bartenders and staff in stores that have a wine selection can, at the very least tell you what’s the most (or least) popular and what their personal favorites are.

Swirl, Sniff, Sip, Sip

Some people make a big production out of tasting wine. Totally unnecessary. Just use your wrist to swirl the wine in the glass in a circular motion, put your nose in the glass, inhale deeply and then taste. Take a second sip, because the first taste just cleans all the garbage that was already in your mouth. Whadya think?

How Much to Spend

Although the consumption of wine has become nearly ubiquitous, it’s still associated with socioeconomic status and class because a) fancy people in Europe drink it and b) It can be very expensive. Good wine does NOT have to be pricy. Unless you’re mostly sure you’re gonna love it, you don’t need to spend more than $15-20 on a bottle of wine. In a restaurant, expect to pay approximately twice the retail price for a bottle – consider that the cost of ambiance and having someone else pour it which frees up your hands for under the table HJ’s and whatnot.

I Ordered the Wine, What Now?

If you order a bottle in a restaurant, this is what’s going to happen: The server will bring it over and say something like “Here is your bottle of 2008 blah blah blah” and show it to you. You’re then supposed to look at it to confirm that it’s what you ordered. Do that. Just a glance. Nod or say ok. They’ll remove the cork from the bottle and set it on the table. Don’t smell the cork, just ignore it. If the bottle has a twist-off cap, that’s okay. Caps are actually considered better by many winemakers and sommeliers and a lot of very high-quality bottles have them. When the server is pouring you a taste of a bottle, it’s to make sure the wine isn’t bad, not that you like it. You’re checking to see if the wine is corked. This happens rarely but if it tastes extremely vinegary or like mold, the bottle is bad. Most wines, especially reds, need at least a few minutes of contact with air before they start really opening up. Unless it’s clearly corked, give the server a nod or an okay and let her pour it. Give it a few minutes and taste it again.

Okay, so I lied. This doesn’t even scratch the surface. The world of wine is vast and complicated; with countless regions, varietals, styles, grape growing variations and methods, not to mention that each vineyard and winemaker has a unique story, etc., etc., etc! Becoming a true wine geek takes a ton of time and if you aren’t getting paid to do it, why bother? That’s what I’m here for, to shed at least a sliver of light on the topic and promote imbibing in a way that’s maybe just a bit more thoughtful. The real difference between drinking wine as opposed to Flirtini’s and Pickle Backs is that in it lies a really beautiful legacy of family, community, celebration and relaxation. Wine has been around almost as long as people have. It just seems to mean something bigger than merely getting sauced.

Cheers, dudez!

P.S. Technically you should hold the glass by its stem but for us ladies who drink wine alone at home, anything goes!